Yesterday, the Anchorage Health Department announced Mayor David Bronson had appointed Terrence Shanigan as Human Services Division Manager.

I rewrote the Anchorage Health Department’s announcement as satire. Enjoy.

April 15, 2022 (Anchorage) – Today, Save Anchorage’s Health Department (SAHD), announced that Mayor David Bronson has appointed Save Anchorage member Terrence Shanigan to the Human Services division manager post vacated by Save Anchorage member Dave D’amato who should never have been hired for the position in the first place. Terrence comes to the health department with a wealth of right-wing rhetoric and concerning public behavior.

“Terrence’s unique lived experiences will be invaluable as we continue to work towards criminalizing homelessness in Anchorage,” said Save Anchorage Public Health Director Joe Gerace. “With this appointment, we have finally been able to fully cripple our ability to provide the important services Alaskans living in our city need, but which we don’t care about.”

Shanigan, who previously served as the legislative affairs director for Mayor Bronson, will bring invaluable experience he gleaned while attempting to sneak into the back door of a hospital during the COVID-19 pandemic. SAHD is hopeful Shanigan will pass on the knowledge of backdoor entry attempts to others who regularly frequent the health department.

Shanigan will also bring his love of music to SAHD, where he will soothe upset clients and employees with his rich baritone voice as it reverberates throughout the building’s hallways.

“‘Hush, hush, hush, let’s lie. I know it’s wrong, but let’s lie together, in a way,’ are some of the best nonexistent musical lyrics heard anywhere in the world,” said Save Anchorage Public Health Director Joe Gerace.

SAHD expects Shanigan to hit the ground slapping on his first day of work.