MSBSD Seeks School Board Member with 'Banned Books, No Questions Asked' Approach
FOR IMMEDIATE 'SATIRICAL' RELEASE
November 19, 2023
Matanuska Susitna Borough School District Announces Search for School Board Member with a 'Banned Books, No Questions Asked' Approach
Walnut Grove, Alaska — The Matanuska Susitna Borough School District is thrilled to announce an exciting opportunity for a Republican to join the MSBSD School Board! As we embark on a thrilling journey into the future, we are seeking a candidate whose perspective aligns with our philosophy of "Forward to the Past."
Position: School Board Member
Job Description: Vote to ban books.
The ideal candidate will possess the following qualifications:
- A penchant for nostalgia, especially for the days when rotary phones were the pinnacle of technology and dinosaurs roamed the Earth.
- Close ties to Moms for Liberty (bonus points if you've managed to find out where they hold their exclusive members-only secret meetings).
- An ability to discern books that may threaten the delicate sensibilities of our students, particularly those written by authors who don't fit the historical "status quo."
- A steadfast commitment to banning, removing, and censoring books that promote dangerous ideas like diversity, inclusion, and the notion that the Earth might be round.
Applicants should also be prepared to demonstrate their proficiency in the following skills:
- Advanced eye-rolling techniques to dismiss any suggestion of progress.
- The ability to speak in buzzwords and clichés while avoiding substantive discussions about education.
- The ability to restrict anyone from commenting on our Facebook page.
- A willingness to silence student voices and shoo them away when they ask questions.
The Matanuska Susitna School District is an equal opportunity employer, provided you aren't a Democrat and don't define "equal" in a way that doesn't challenge established norms or question authority.
To apply:
Interested candidates should submit a parchment-scroll resume, a list of books they would ban, and the dollar amounts of campaign contributions made to previous or current school board members.
We look forward to welcoming a new member Republican to our School Board who will help lead us boldly into the past.
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No, but seriously, you can apply here. Please note that discussions about candidate applications are held in executive session but you can request discussion be held in public.
