Big Balls: DOGE-Alaska’s Latest Testicular Tantrum
The only fraud we’re seeing so far is the idea that these people are competent enough to oversee anything at all.
If there’s one thing Alaska’s far-right figures seem to love—besides defunding public education and turning government into a revolving door of unqualified grifters—it’s balls.
Big ones. Big, BIG balls. You like those big balls, doncha? Yeah, you know you do.
It seems like only yesterday that Must Read Alaska was shoving Dave Bronson's balls of steel down our throats. 2021 was a time when the embattled former Anchorage mayor threw a tantrum after the Assembly rejected his unqualified pick for library director, Sami Graham, only to turn around and appoint her as his chief of staff like a petulant child.
Fade to four years later and the rise of Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), a Trump-aligned initiative supposedly meant to trim government waste but mostly functioning as a chaotic anti-government wrecking ball. The department’s most well-known hire? Edward “Big Balls” Coristine, a 19-year-old Musk superfan with a sketchy history of running websites with Russian registrations and allegedly participating in cyberattack forums. According to Gizmodo, "Big Balls" is reportedly the grandkid of a known KGB spy.
And now, enter Rep. Jamie Allard's DOGE-Alaska—a make-believe powerless “government watchdog” outfit that it says is now forming a "Big Balls Committee" to root out fraud, waste, and abuse, or at least whatever they arbitrarily decide qualifies as those things.
To be clear, it totally tracks that DOGE-Alaska's newest crusade against “corruption” has been named after testicles—but I do have questions.
Will DOGE-Alaska's Big Balls Committee be filled with "merit-based" hires straight out of a Telegram chatroom or with a few well-placed KJB-adjacent consultants looking for work? Will they outsource their “oversight” to the same Russian bot farms that spent the last decade pushing conspiracy theories and cat memes to undermine the pillars of our democracy? I guess since the Alaskan far-right already has a long history of cozying up to Russian interests, it's reasonable to expect they'll look East for a little "help" or at least to former Save Anchorage weirdos willing to step up and do the hard work of manufacturing grievances against their political opponents.
At the end of the day, it’s hard to take Rep. Jamie Allard's DOGE-Alaska seriously. From the Proud Boys to Elon Musk’s orbit of sycophants to the extremist bloggers frothing at the mouth over drag queens and LGBTQ+ books while spreading baseless trans conspiracy theories and pushing for genitalia checks on school children, the far-right sure seems to have a strange fixation with balls. Maybe they think calling themselves “big balls” makes them sound tough. Maybe it’s just another attempt to mask their chronic insecurity with bad jokes and even worse branding.
Either way, the only fraud we’re seeing so far is the idea that these people are competent enough to oversee anything at all.
